I just got through with my psychiatry appointment and I went to talk to my therapist who works in the same building about the Narcotics Anonymous appointments he mentioned and he said “Well we are having a group in half an hour. Why don’t you stay and join us?”
I hesitated…heart pounding in my ears…saliva thick in my mouth…breath caught in my throat…and peeped a tiny “okay”.
I’m terrified. In exactly 30 minutes, I’m going to be attending my very first Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I’m going to be taking my very first serious step towards sobriety…and I’m high. I’m high on pain killers right now. Fuck.
I’m going to an NA meeting high. What are the odds of that…? I’m so fucking pathetic. I need this help so badly.
I’m terrified. I’ve never been to an NA meeting before. Never in my entire life. After struggling with severe narcotic addiction for 11 years of my life, this will be my first NA meeting…my first step in the right direction.
I can’t believe I’m really doing this. I really can’t believe it.
My heart is pounding. I’m so scared people aren’t going to take me seriously. I’m so scared people aren’t going to take me seriously because “my addiction isn’t serious enough for me to be in an NA meeting”. I’m scared I’m going to get laughed at.
And are NA meetings going to be like “Hi. I’m Riley. And I’m an addict.” “Hi Riley.” Like in the movies? Fuck that…ugh.
My therapist is the one who leads the group and he’s a really great person and an even better therapist. So I believe this is going to be good for me, but…I have NO. IDEA. what to expect.
Guys…if you pray…pray for me.
I’m doing this. I’m not gonna back down. 20 minutes left. 20 minutes till this meeting. I’m so scared I’m shaking.
Someone tell me I’m going to be okay. Someone tell me Narcotics Anonymous isn’t as scary as it seems.
Fuck. I’m shaking.